Norma Laforme asked:
What are Boundaries? Boundaries are the rules that govern relationships. Every relationship has rules, and although we are not always conscious of them, we usually know what they are intuitively. Boundaries can fall into 3 categories and they may be defined as follows:
Rigid boundaries are boundaries that are inflexible. For a snapshot of what this type of boundary looks like, check out the movie, “Ordinary People”. Impacted by the death of the youngest son, the family in this movie have developed rules in order to deal with their grief, rules, which include don’t cry, don’t talk about the son or his death, and ultimately, don’t feel anything. The family’s healing begins as these rules eventually break down. The remaining son discovers the impossibility of living up to these rules and ultimately learns that the family members need each other
even though breaking the rules causes greater vulnerability. Rigid boundaries within a family keep emotions locked up and un-dealt with. The long-term cost of this type of boundary may be the eventual breakdown of the family. Even if an entire breakdown does not occur, family members will inevitably lack closeness as each individual is engrossed in his or her own activities. Then, when crisis comes, the family is unable to work together.
The second type of boundary is called an enmeshed boundary. The family operates and relates to each other in a system is very closed. As a result of the closed family system, the family is very close to each other- to the extreme. The family is so close that there is no privacy for individuals within the family unit. It can be very difficult for an individual when he or she feels that everyone knows every detail of his or her own business. This can arise, for instance, in the situation where a member in the relationship suffers an addiction and where the family’s goal is to support this person. This can also result in a relating style of Co-Dependency. With this pattern, family members may have little privacy and it is not uncommon for someone to enter another individual’s private space without permission. Within this type of family environment it is very difficult for individual’s to develop a good sense of self because all their energies are directed toward supporting the family goals.
The best type of boundaries develop where people are interdependent. In a family with interdependent relationships people are very supportive of each other, but each individual has a sense of personal control over his or her own activities. A family is strengthened rather than threatened when each individual has his or her own activities.
People who have interdependent relationships ultimately have stronger relationships. This is because individuals are secure in knowing that that they can go and do what they can interact with their community, yet be free to enjoy each other’s company when they do come back to the family relationship. People in interdependent relationships feel free to share with each other and to ask for their partner’s opinion on issues because they know that the other person in the relationship will love and respect them no matter what. Even if individuals in a relationship disagree with each other on an issue, the other will respect decisions that the individual makes, and they will be there to support each other.
As you look at this information and see the working benefits of interdependent relationships, you may think, “it would be nice if that were true of my relationships.” The good news is that it is possible to change the boundaries in your present relationships; however, it takes work! All relationships have their own pattern and flow so it takes time and commitment to change patterns that need to be changed. Changing unhelpful boundaries can also be a painful and difficult process and may not always work if the person in relationship with you does not want to change. Before you decide to change the boundaries in a relationship, discuss this with the other person if possible. If the other individual is not open to change, you may need to decide what boundaries you need to put into the relationship.
Rules in relationships
Anyone who has been in a family knows that there are rules that govern the relationships. You will not see the list of rules by walking through a families house, but each who lives there person knows what they are! You know the rules in your family just by living in it.
Think for a minute, what are the rules in your family? Is it, don’t cry, don’t think, or don’t feel? If you’re not sure, just try breaking the suspected rule and see what happens (Just a word of caution… don’t do this during a holiday or a family celebration!). When you do break the rule, note the reaction and what people do to try to get you to change back to the expected behavior.
Before we move on, I want to address what I meant by “change back” in the last paragraph. When we are in relationship with other people and we try to change something that we feel needs changing, the other person may act in such a way that will encourage you to change back to your former pattern of behaving. This is what can make changing the rules so painful. If you really are determined to change the relationship for the better, expect that others may very likely fight you every step of the way because people do not like change. Again, if possible, speak openly with the other individual about the rules you want to change. This may help by reducing confusion in the individual who doesn’t know why you aren’t responding in the way he or she is used to.
The change-back dynamic also happens when people decide to change behaviors when relating. If someone decides to change the way they respond to situations, then the second person may act in such a way as to encourage the first one to go back to his or her normal behavior. It can be a very painful process when an individual is committed to changing his or her behavior in a certain relationship. With consistency, however, the new behavior will eventually be accepted. Again, the best way to deal with the situation is to speak openly with the other person if possible.
Now that we have determined what boundaries are, let’s consider the steps that you can take in order to achieve healthy boundaries.
Assessing the need for boundaries
1. Identify the relationships in your life: relationships with a spouse, parent, co-workers, friends, etc.
2. How do you feel about your relationships with these individuals? In other words, do you enjoy spending time with the person or do you secretly resent having to take this time?
3. Are you free to share your feelings with these individuals or do you feel that you can’t share your thoughts freely with them?
4. Does the person in the relationship you are thinking of respect your opinions on issues? Or does he or she try to change your mind?
5. Does the person you are thinking of support you in your pursuits or try to talk you into doing something else?
6. Does the person respect your privacy or do they tend to pry into your personal affairs?
7 Do you wish your relationship with this person were different?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you may want to put some boundaries in place.
Developing healthy boundaries
1. The first key to developing healthy boundaries is to decide what changes you would like to make in your relationship. For example, you may have someone in your life that calls you too late at night. After he or she refuses after you ask to be called earlier warn the individual that you will not answer the phone after a certain time. Once the boundary has been declared, be consistent and don’t answer if this person still calls you late. Call back the next day, and if he or she complains, gently but firmly remind the individual of the boundary. Depending on your relationship this may be difficult, but with patience, things will slowly change.
2. Make changes in your own behavior to put the boundary into effect.
3. If you really want the change to happen, stick to the change even when the other person is upset.
4. Talk honestly and openly about why you want this change in the relationship. Ask the other individual how they feel about this.
5. In a good relationship, other the person will value you and accept change.
What to do if the other individual does not want to accept change
1. Discuss how the other person feels about the change and what it would take for him or her to accept it.
2. Outline the reason that things cannot go back to the way they were.
3. Negotiate a compromise with the individual that you can both live with.
4. If the issue still cannot be resolved, you may have to decide if you can live with the way things are, and if not, decide what to do. You may want to consult a counselor in order to consider your options.
You are welcome to contact me.
I hope this has been helpful!
Norma LaForme, M.Div
Live well.
Caffeinated Content
What are Boundaries? Boundaries are the rules that govern relationships. Every relationship has rules, and although we are not always conscious of them, we usually know what they are intuitively. Boundaries can fall into 3 categories and they may be defined as follows:
Rigid boundaries are boundaries that are inflexible. For a snapshot of what this type of boundary looks like, check out the movie, “Ordinary People”. Impacted by the death of the youngest son, the family in this movie have developed rules in order to deal with their grief, rules, which include don’t cry, don’t talk about the son or his death, and ultimately, don’t feel anything. The family’s healing begins as these rules eventually break down. The remaining son discovers the impossibility of living up to these rules and ultimately learns that the family members need each other
even though breaking the rules causes greater vulnerability. Rigid boundaries within a family keep emotions locked up and un-dealt with. The long-term cost of this type of boundary may be the eventual breakdown of the family. Even if an entire breakdown does not occur, family members will inevitably lack closeness as each individual is engrossed in his or her own activities. Then, when crisis comes, the family is unable to work together.
The second type of boundary is called an enmeshed boundary. The family operates and relates to each other in a system is very closed. As a result of the closed family system, the family is very close to each other- to the extreme. The family is so close that there is no privacy for individuals within the family unit. It can be very difficult for an individual when he or she feels that everyone knows every detail of his or her own business. This can arise, for instance, in the situation where a member in the relationship suffers an addiction and where the family’s goal is to support this person. This can also result in a relating style of Co-Dependency. With this pattern, family members may have little privacy and it is not uncommon for someone to enter another individual’s private space without permission. Within this type of family environment it is very difficult for individual’s to develop a good sense of self because all their energies are directed toward supporting the family goals.
The best type of boundaries develop where people are interdependent. In a family with interdependent relationships people are very supportive of each other, but each individual has a sense of personal control over his or her own activities. A family is strengthened rather than threatened when each individual has his or her own activities.
People who have interdependent relationships ultimately have stronger relationships. This is because individuals are secure in knowing that that they can go and do what they can interact with their community, yet be free to enjoy each other’s company when they do come back to the family relationship. People in interdependent relationships feel free to share with each other and to ask for their partner’s opinion on issues because they know that the other person in the relationship will love and respect them no matter what. Even if individuals in a relationship disagree with each other on an issue, the other will respect decisions that the individual makes, and they will be there to support each other.
As you look at this information and see the working benefits of interdependent relationships, you may think, “it would be nice if that were true of my relationships.” The good news is that it is possible to change the boundaries in your present relationships; however, it takes work! All relationships have their own pattern and flow so it takes time and commitment to change patterns that need to be changed. Changing unhelpful boundaries can also be a painful and difficult process and may not always work if the person in relationship with you does not want to change. Before you decide to change the boundaries in a relationship, discuss this with the other person if possible. If the other individual is not open to change, you may need to decide what boundaries you need to put into the relationship.
Rules in relationships
Anyone who has been in a family knows that there are rules that govern the relationships. You will not see the list of rules by walking through a families house, but each who lives there person knows what they are! You know the rules in your family just by living in it.
Think for a minute, what are the rules in your family? Is it, don’t cry, don’t think, or don’t feel? If you’re not sure, just try breaking the suspected rule and see what happens (Just a word of caution… don’t do this during a holiday or a family celebration!). When you do break the rule, note the reaction and what people do to try to get you to change back to the expected behavior.
Before we move on, I want to address what I meant by “change back” in the last paragraph. When we are in relationship with other people and we try to change something that we feel needs changing, the other person may act in such a way that will encourage you to change back to your former pattern of behaving. This is what can make changing the rules so painful. If you really are determined to change the relationship for the better, expect that others may very likely fight you every step of the way because people do not like change. Again, if possible, speak openly with the other individual about the rules you want to change. This may help by reducing confusion in the individual who doesn’t know why you aren’t responding in the way he or she is used to.
The change-back dynamic also happens when people decide to change behaviors when relating. If someone decides to change the way they respond to situations, then the second person may act in such a way as to encourage the first one to go back to his or her normal behavior. It can be a very painful process when an individual is committed to changing his or her behavior in a certain relationship. With consistency, however, the new behavior will eventually be accepted. Again, the best way to deal with the situation is to speak openly with the other person if possible.
Now that we have determined what boundaries are, let’s consider the steps that you can take in order to achieve healthy boundaries.
Assessing the need for boundaries
1. Identify the relationships in your life: relationships with a spouse, parent, co-workers, friends, etc.
2. How do you feel about your relationships with these individuals? In other words, do you enjoy spending time with the person or do you secretly resent having to take this time?
3. Are you free to share your feelings with these individuals or do you feel that you can’t share your thoughts freely with them?
4. Does the person in the relationship you are thinking of respect your opinions on issues? Or does he or she try to change your mind?
5. Does the person you are thinking of support you in your pursuits or try to talk you into doing something else?
6. Does the person respect your privacy or do they tend to pry into your personal affairs?
7 Do you wish your relationship with this person were different?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you may want to put some boundaries in place.
Developing healthy boundaries
1. The first key to developing healthy boundaries is to decide what changes you would like to make in your relationship. For example, you may have someone in your life that calls you too late at night. After he or she refuses after you ask to be called earlier warn the individual that you will not answer the phone after a certain time. Once the boundary has been declared, be consistent and don’t answer if this person still calls you late. Call back the next day, and if he or she complains, gently but firmly remind the individual of the boundary. Depending on your relationship this may be difficult, but with patience, things will slowly change.
2. Make changes in your own behavior to put the boundary into effect.
3. If you really want the change to happen, stick to the change even when the other person is upset.
4. Talk honestly and openly about why you want this change in the relationship. Ask the other individual how they feel about this.
5. In a good relationship, other the person will value you and accept change.
What to do if the other individual does not want to accept change
1. Discuss how the other person feels about the change and what it would take for him or her to accept it.
2. Outline the reason that things cannot go back to the way they were.
3. Negotiate a compromise with the individual that you can both live with.
4. If the issue still cannot be resolved, you may have to decide if you can live with the way things are, and if not, decide what to do. You may want to consult a counselor in order to consider your options.
You are welcome to contact me.
I hope this has been helpful!
Norma LaForme, M.Div
Live well.
Caffeinated Content
( ) and I visit the gym every other day in which I do a good work out and sit for approx half an hour divided in to 15 mins slots in both the sauna and steam room. Im not chubby and drink and eat healthly. Plenty of water!! Also been drinking cranberry juice each day… At least a couple of glasses since stopping.
